Bridges are built so that we may cross safely over troubled waters.
Combat Related PTSD: A Friend? A blessing in Disguise? A Brief Account of my Story
I am proud that I was a grunt (0311 rifleman) in the United States Marine Corps and served in Viet Nam from (1969-1970) with Hotel Company, 2nd Battalion, 7th Marine Regiment 1st Marine Division. When I came back from Viet Nam I was glad to come home but didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I had a loving family, who faithfully prayed for me everyday, and like me, they thought that coming home and getting back to life would be like picking up where I left off before I enlisted.
After almost thirteen full months in the bush it was hard to get my arms around the fact that one day, I along with my brothers in arms were fighting Charlie and the next day I was told my tour was officially complete and that I was going stateside (we called it “going back to the world). I found myself home and in a way still over there. I constantly thought about my buddies such as Pizza, Ponzio, Cox, Jersey, Bates, and Cruz and Speedy from Guns and the stable leadership of LT. Garrett to name a few.
Across the years I wondered who were still alive all the while knowing I should mourn the death of others so quickly taken while I was in country. At the time I was afraid of losing control. What if all of that emotion come out at once? Would I go crazy? No, I didn't and I found my past to not be my enemy but a dear friend who wanted in for all of the right reasons.
I have learned to appropriately mourn the death of Billy Baker, Lt. McClurg and others known in memories that I no longer try to avoid. Why should I? Viet Nam is part of my past and that’s okay. I came back changed and who wouldn’t? Any veteran of any war will come back changed. It goes with the territory. Learning how to meaningfully re-attach wasn’t without its problems for either me or my family and friends. I didn’t sleep well, jumped at every loud sound and if I went into a restaurant I always sat with my back to the wall as close to the exit as I could get.
I was scared of my feelings, my thoughts, my past and untrusting and often angry towards other people, not wanting anyone to try to get too close to me, especially my family. One day it dawned upon me that when I went to war my whole family and many of my friends went with me as well. Sure, they went in a different way, but they did go as surely as I did. And when I came home they wanted to be there for me. I think that’s when the healing began and I knew I had turned a corner and it was going to be okay.
Thankfully, I had others to help me move on. Other veterans as well as family and friends willing to walk that path of healing and restoration with me. They helped me see life in different perspectives and from different angles. Such help from those who loved me and spent time with me gave me more freedom than I was initially willing to trust and take hold of or even believe was possible. One of the greatest blessings I have as a result is the renewed contact across the past few years with other combat veterans from Hotel 2/7. Those Hogs! What a group!
But, I would be remiss if I told you that I pulled myself up by own boot strap's and willed a better life on my own or that I am a self made man and that was what made the difference. I would mislead you if I attributed my restoration exclusively to my fellow grunts, friends and family, though to be sure the Lord used them in wonderful, gratifying and comforting ways. Ultimately, what made the "changing" difference in my life? It was, and is ongoing, because of Jesus Christ and the good news of the Gospel. He is still forgiving, still loving, still teaching, still protecting and continuing to lead me across time to embrace His life as my life and His will as my will in new and gratifying ways. "Behold! I make all things new!" Revelation 21:5